Holiday season has arrived, at least as indicated by the stores and their displays.
For many single moms and dads, the holidays are hard. They remind us all too much about how divorce and single parenting have impacted our homes.
For the next few weeks, we will be planning for the holidays, not just physically, but emotionally and financially as well. We will discuss re-framing how we approach the holiday time, put some thought into how our children feel or experience holidays, and even have some ideas for homemade gifts.
So Many Emotions...
You may experience sadness and still at the same time experience the joy of the holiday season with your family. As humans, we are complex emotional beings and rarely do we feel one emotion at a time. In her book the best of you, Alison Cook’s use of the word “and” brings clarity.
The author explains what psychologists call “dialectical thinking”.
Dialectical thinking involves two key components:
- The ability to name two conflicting, but valid, feelings or ideas.
- The capacity to honor both without judgement.
When you name competing feelings within yourself, it becomes easier to see a situation objectively.
For Your Unique Situation
If you are a single parent going it alone without the other parent involved, you may feel overwhelmed or pressured to give your family a perfect holiday, maybe making up for the loss of the other parent.
If you are a single, divorced parent, you are splitting time for the holidays and your heart is splitting too.
In either circumstance, know God is near.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Proverbs 34:18
Reframe the Holidays
Holidays are important, but they are only one day or a short season. Providing our children with loving consistent days throughout the year is most important.
Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge. Proverbs 14:26
Holidays do not have to occur on the day marked on the calendar. As I mention in my book, holidays can be celebrated any day. Coming from an Italian family who had many festivities at holidays, this was hard for me at first.
What I learned is, when I paid attention to how my children were handling the back and forth between their two homes, we avoided overload and had more pleasant times together.
Returning from their dad’s home after opening gifts for hours meant our family opened gifts on a different day. It was more meaningful than trying to stuff in gift opening in just because the calendar said December 25.
If you are a single mom and dad and have full custody, remember more is not always better.
Create Warm Traditions
Your children are never too young or too old to start new traditions. The best thing is: traditions often cost nothing. When your child is an adult, I promise they may not remember the trendy toy you purchased, but they will remember family traditions.
Traditions also do not have to occur on a certain day either.
Thanksgiving Tree This was an idea I found last year. We went outside to collect branches and put them in a Mason jar. A week or so before Thanksgiving, we added hanging tags during dinner labeled with what we were grateful for. I found the original much better looking tree idea here.
Take a family picture – There are so many options with phones that this can be economical if you have a friend take it. Photos visually cement that you are a family no matter what your makeup is. (Keep it light-hearted and your expectations low if you have varying ages of children. It should not be stressful!)
Decorate the tree as a family. Make hot cocoa, put on music. Again no stress, you do not need a perfect tree! (and you can sneak gaudy ornaments to the back of the tree when the kids are in bed, not saying I ever did that!)
Night Light Walks Bundle up and take a free walk around your neighborhood to see the Christmas lights. Take a vote on which decorations you think are best.
Bake something together. We make cut out cookies together a few weeks before Christmas. Everyone joins in, probably because it is the rare occasion we have real sugar!
Blessings
Our children are our most precious gift. I used to have Psalm 128 posted next to my sink as a reminder.
Within your house, Your children like olive plants around your table. Behold, for thus shall the man be blessed Who fears the Lord. Psalm 128:3-4
Most of us have little knowledge about olive trees so it helps to consider it from a cultural context.
“Though the olive tree may not bear after it has been planted for forty years, it is a symbol of longevity and productivity. So are children within the household of faith! They are not like grass, which is here today but is gone tomorrow. Rather, they are olive trees that in due time bear their fruit.” (VanGemeren)
These cookies I adapted to taste like an oatmeal cookie, but they contain no oats for anyone trying to avoid grains. They do have shredded coconut, flaxseed, dried cranberries, and chocolate chips (plus a dollop of peanut butter).
Sweetened only with honey, they are healthy enough for a breakfast treat.