Two Homes, Two Holidays, Too Much?
Does your child have to celebrate holidays in two homes, with two different families, and maybe two different sets of traditions or even religions for that matter?
Author Elizabeth Marquardt interviewed over one thousand adults who grew up in divorced homes. She reports her findings in Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce. Concerning the holidays, Marquardt writes,
Even the most special holidays were more likely to be difficult for us. More than a third of us agree that “Christmas or Hanukkah was a stressful time in my family,” which is more than twice as many as our peers from intact families.
Being aware of our child’s feelings is pertinent to giving them a more relaxed holiday season. There are things we can do physically and emotionally to meet their needs. (See the blog post Taming Transitions: How to Reconnect with Your Child)
Make the Schedule Visible
Once a holiday schedule is worked out with the other parent, put it on the family calendar so your child knows when they will be where. A child’s anxiety is reduced when they know in advance what to expect.
Talk About It
Ask questions. What is the hardest about sharing holidays? What would make it easier? How can I help? Maybe your child, especially your older child, may not respond, but even just knowing that you recognize it may be hard takes some of the tension off. (Make sure not to criticize the other parent who your child is connected to.)
Respect The Other Parent’s Traditions
Here is a brief personal example. In my opinion, if a parent desires to earn their child’s trust, they cannot tell them a fictitious character like Santa is real.
For my sons, at their dad’s house, Santa was really built up. Therefore, when they would ask me, I would just ask them questions back: Do you think Santa is real? Do you think he could make it to every child’s house in the whole world in one night?
Obviously, they figured it out themselves at a very young age while I tactfully avoided bashing their dad’s tradition.
Reassure Your Children You Will Be Just Fine
Your child may feel like they are abandoning you on the holidays. They may wonder if you will be sad. Remember that your child should not feel responsible for your emotions.
I have no hard data on if parentification happens more often in divorced homes, but a quick internet search tells me this very well could be true. Dr. Alison Cook describes parentification as “role reversal in which a parent relies on the child to care for their emotional needs”.
We may think it is cute when our child shows empathy for us, but it is a fine line. Having empathy and feeling responsible for a parent’s emotions is very different. Children who have grown up in homes with parentification find it “extremely challenging to understand” their own thoughts and feelings.
I will never forget what my ex-husband said to my three year old son when he left. “Now you take care of your mom and brother.” (who was 6 months old at the time)
Whether it was his guilt talking or he just slipped, I am not judging.
However, on my end (which is the only end I am responsible for) I made sure for the next few years, my oldest knew I was the parent in charge: He did not have to take care of me emotionally or physically.
Let Them Know God Goes With Them
Marquadt writes about one of her interviewees,
This child of divorce took comfort in knowing that God was with her as she traveled between her parents’ different worlds.
You can let your child know that God is always with them.
I may have a seasonal obsession with curry, but I find it to be such a warming, cold season spice. Currently, I am loving this curry blend from Mountain Rose Herbs.
I may also have a year round obsession with bacon. If you are in the Wisconsin area, we buy our beef and pork from Abiding Acres Farm. I love supporting a local and Christian business. We use their soup bones to make homemade bone broth.
Lest you think I am ignoring the needs of a single parent during the holiday season, next week we will discuss how single parents can emotionally navigate the holiday season.
Explore more holiday links below.
