Building Trust: Parents of our Word
Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord?
Who may enter your presence on your holy hill?
Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right,
speaking the truth from sincere hearts.
Psalm 15:1-2
Background
Having our children trust us is paramount to the quality of our relationship. Children are much less likely to listen to us if there is not a core of trust.
I have learned this lesson through my many years of teaching. I first had to build connections and relationships before getting down to the nitty gritty of tweaking behaviors.
Children coming from homes that have been affected by divorce may struggle with trust. I quote from the author of Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce who herself grew up in a divorced home.
As children of divorce, we tried to adapt to our parents’ different worlds. We confronted their different truths and felt it was up to us to make sense of the contradictions. Some of us felt so burdened that we lost the ability to trust our parents. Truth became a murky thing, something malleable, something that could even be taken advantage of.
How do we ensure trust stays intact or rebuild trust when needed? Trust is built over a period of time when a person is true to their word. Children begin to learn this young. When they cry, we come. When they toddle over, we are there to catch them.
As they get older, we enter a more verbal plane. Do we keep our word? There are subtle changes in the way we can say things to ensure that trust stays intact.
This can be difficult. I have learned to say that I really desire to do this or that activity with you tomorrow, but I am not making a promise. We will see how the day goes for each of us.
The same goes with discipline: be very careful what you say in the heat of the moment. Don’t say you are grounded for a month; it is probably not true. Your child has to know they can trust your word. A better answer is: I am going to get back to you with a consequence for that behavior. Think it through before making a decision.
“Adults who ground their parenting in a solid relationship with the child parent intuitively. They do not have to resort to techniques or manuals but act from understanding and empathy.”
From the book Hold On to Your Kids
Let’s grab our Bibles now and see how Joshua was true to his word. Look back to ETL 6 to see how Joshua kept his word to the Gibeonites. Here we will look at two more examples.
Words and Actions Match
whose tongue utters no slander, who does no wrong to a neighbor, and casts no slur on others; who despises a vile person but honors those who fear the Lord; who keeps an oath even when it hurts, and does not change their mind;
Psalm 15:3-4
Returning to the story of Rahab, we see Joshua is true to his word to her. Read Chapter 6:22-25. Before the city is burned, Joshua instructs the spies to bring out Rahab and her family. He offers them protection as promised.
Do you think Rahab’s trust in the Israelites grew that day? Their actions matched their words. Do you think she goes on to live with the Israelites because their integrity drew her?
In parenting and building trust with our children, our actions have to match our words if we desire a grounded relationship.
Protect Trust
who lends money to the poor without interest; who does not accept a bribe against the innocent. Whoever does these things will never be shaken.
Psalm 15:5
The second example involves a little history and also highlights both sides keeping their promises even after a length of time. First read, Joshua 1:12-15.
Basically, the tribes of the Reubenites, the Gadites, and the half-tribe of Manasseh had already claimed land on the east side of the Jordan which Moses had given them, but the men had promised to cross over and fight with the Israelites until the land was conquered.
Joshua calls them to remember their promise and also promises them when there is rest, they can go back to their land and families. (For more information on the dialogue between Moses and the two and half tribes read Numbers 32:16-32.)
Jump ahead to Joshua chapter 22. Read it in its entirety. Joshua summons the tribes and commends them for keeping their promise. He then blesses them and honors his promise by sending them home. The time-frame they stayed and assisted Israel was seven years!
How good are we at keeping our promises? Do we think our children forget after a few days?
Fact Find First
The story has another twist. One that can teach us not to overreact to our children or to our ex-spouses; to be careful with our words, before we find out all the facts.
The tribes leave and on their way back, they build an altar on the west bank of the river. This may not seem like a big deal to us, but according to God’s law, the only authorized altar for sacrifice was at the tabernacle, which was at Shiloh.
After 7 years of service, you would think Israel would have trusted them, but trust can be fragile and needs to be protected. We know they were triggered with fear because of the outcome with Achan (ETL 5), and they mention that in their conversation with the two and half tribes. See Joshua 22:20.
We need to be aware of our own triggers and as well as the triggers our children have.
When the Israelites hear this, they assemble their whole army to go to war against them. However, to their credit, they first assemble ten chiefs to accompany the priest Phinehas on a fact-finding mission. In that mission, Israel discovers that they completely misunderstood the motivation behind building the altar.
The two and half tribes explain they built this great altar, not to sacrifice on, but as remembrance between the tribes on both sides of the river and also for their children to remember. Joshua 22:34 says, “And the Reubonites and the Gadites gave the altar this name: A Witness Between Us that the Lord is God.”
Trust is restored because they listened to each other, and they considered each other’s point of view. Be a fact finder, not an immediate reactor. You may find you saw the situation correctly or you may discover there is something deeper. You may learn something about your child that helps cement your relationship.
Take Away
Being ETL means being careful with our words, remaining true to our promises, and building trust with our children as well as protecting that trust.
Reflections
- Are you taking time to listen to our children? I love feeling wheels for children who have trouble naming how they are feeling. They are insightful for parents as well. Practice together.
- Are you keeping your promises?
- Are your words and actions matching?
- Are there areas in your relationship with your children that you need to restore trust?
Sources: https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/joshua-22/
Sensory activities are great ways to bond with your child. This is a great no bake recipe you can make with your child. They make a great lunchbox treat!
