Why I Am Grateful for My Leukemia Diagnosis
Our therapeutic model therefore addresses the whole person, not just the tumor. A tumor is merely a side effect that occurs when a person’s terrain is out of balance, when too many big rocks are thrown into a still pond. As we’ve said before, cancer doesn’t just show up one day at random, it doesn’t just “happen” to you, and it is not bad luck. Just as the weed in the garden alerts the gardener to mineral or other deficiencies in the soil, cancer is a messenger telling you some element within you-emotional, spiritual, or physical-is not in harmony.
Some things I can trace back to childhood when I felt overly responsible for other’s emotions. This led me to have very poor boundaries throughout my life.
There is no blame here – our wounding is our responsibility to heal, and we all have some type of wounding. I did my best as a parent and I stand in the reality that in some ways I am and was an imperfect parent who has wounded my children.
The Perfect Storm
My divorce over 25 years ago caused me great sadness and anger at the betrayal. But I had two young boys that needed me to be strong so it took me years to come to terms that those emotions needed to be felt and worked through.
Boundaries for Your Soul is a book that was very helpful for me and I also address the grieving process in my book. Take God’s Hand.
When I remarried my now husband, we knew blended family life would be difficult. However, with my lack of boundaries, I took on the responsibility for the success of the marriage and family. I felt burdened to keep everyone happy and make sure our home was running smoothly.
Believe it or not, I do not hold up the world. It is sinful and prideful to think so.
Dallas Willard labels it as the “radical evil of the human heart, a heart that would make me god in the place of God.” He writes it in this way as well (I always love a little sarcasm).
God being God offends human pride. If God is running the universe and has first claim on our lives, guess who isn’t running the universe and does not get to have things as they please.
Physically, I ended up rupturing discs in my back and because of my over-responsible nature, kept teaching and waddling around for what felt like a few years, relapsing often.
Somewhere between all of this, I also lost two babies to miscarriage. The first time we were not trying, but rather surprised by the pregnancy- the second time we thought maybe we were following God’s will by having a child together.
Something in me though told me my body just wasn’t healthy enough to carry a baby, regardless, I had to go through the grief process twice.
Then we began fostering our now adopted daughter. We have a beautifully bonded relationship, but holding her while she processed her trauma felt like I absorbed her trauma into my own body.
I say this while accepting complete responsibility. Healing my soul is my responsibility.
Do You View Your Feelings as a Gift?
It is yours too. It took me two years to write about this. So why do I now?
First, if you never have to hear the words you have cancer (one in three of us will according to statistics), I will be using my diagnosis to help others.
Secondly, if you are already living with cancer or another serious medical condition, it’s a good time to start paying attention to your emotions while you are on your healing journey. As Anjuli Paschall writes in her book Feelings, “feelings are, more than anything a gift.” Paschall continues…
Feelings are an indicator that your soul needs more care. They are an invitation. If you follow the invitation you will discover not just your own soul, but the presence of God with you. Your emotions become a doorway to prayer—ultimately—love. Feelings become lights on the path, helping you see where your heart actually is.
The Healing Path is Life-long Journey
My healing journey has been over a long period of time – even before I was diagnosed I was working hard on boundaries – putting healthy boundaries in place changes the dance of our relationships. It is harder before it is easier.
Let me give a simple example. My husband and I were in the car driving to our life group. It was the first time I had a few minutes alone with him that day and he turned on an audio book. In the past I would have felt hurt, nursed my hurt and it would have come out sideways. This time I asked if he could turn it off so we could talk, and he did. But even if he hadn’t, I would have still practiced asking for what I needed.
Now when I don’t ask for what I need, I am quick to recognize how I didn’t use my voice and that is on me. Others cannot read my mind.
The ability to communicate constructively on behalf of what you need is what makes a relationship healthy.
Dr. Alison Cook
The Road to Healing Takes Practice
One day I was sitting at the table eating dinner with my family when without warning, blood started to gush out of my lip.
Most likely, this was the first sign of my leukemia. This happened a few more times, and it would take almost half an hour for it to stop.
Now I look back, the very instrument I didn’t use to advocate for myself was releasing itself physically.
Is it coincidental? I don’t think so.
Learning to use your voice when you have not been taught how can be a scary process. One of my counselors gave me a mental picture. He said, “it’s like you have been hiding under a cup, not letting your light shine.”
Finding your voice isn’t a one-and-done endeavor; it’s a practice, a whole new way of being. It’s learning to honor the contents of your soul and body-in partnership with God’s Spirit-so your voice flows from a connected, authentic place deep inside. As you fine-tune the instrument God has given you, you’ll be surprised at the voice coming out of you-a voice that increasingly knows what to say and how to say it when you least expect it.
Dr. Alison Cook
Hiding the “real me” from others sadly hides the “real me” from me. Image management, pretense – it is a lonely and diseased road.
Adele Ahlberg Calhoun
Resources
If you have trouble processing and expressing emotion, I strongly encourage you to get professional help. I know I needed it.
Beware of counselors who give “easy out” answers. Becoming more of our God given self is hard and sometimes painful work.
One counselor I saw suggested I leave my marriage even after I kept asking her how I could work on changing myself to be a healthier partner.
Do you know it gave her an easy out as well because she didn’t have to do the hard work with me? It’s hard to sit with someone else in their pain.
In reality, the easy out answer gives people only temporary relief, but you still take the wounded parts of yourself with you wherever you go.
You are not alone on this journey. God desires you to live from the authentic part of yourself. My first step in removing the “cup” was to let God in all the crevices of my life.
Real spiritual need and change, as we have emphasized, is on the inside, in the hidden area of the life that God sees and that we cannot even see inside ourselves without his help. Dallas Willard
Resources that I hope you will find helpful. Click on the link to the left or visit the Resource Page.