What if you are co-parenting with an uncooperative ex-spouse?
There were many articles written on co-parenting that I read after my divorce, but most of it did not fit my family’s situation of co-parenting with an uncooperative ex-spouse.
The articles had a positive tone assuming your ex and you both worked in the best interest of your children. Many in our society also desire to downplay the true effects of divorce on children.
Whereas this may be ideal, it was not my situation which may be on the extreme end of divorced parenting.
However, I am guessing there are others of you out there that are in similar or even more difficult circumstances.
Therefore, I share a piece of our story. I delicately share just some of it with respect to my sons’ privacy, and the intact relationship they continue with their dad to their benefit.
Hope in the Most Difficult Circumstances
First let me offer you hope. Some of the worst years of my life were raising my sons in this constant battlefield, and some of the best years of my life paralleled the worst.
My sons brought delight to my heart as gifts God graciously gave me to prepare for adulthood.
I saw God come through to “make a way” many times for us when our path seemed blocked. They are now adults who still bring joy to my heart as I watch them blossom in their adult lives.
There is HOPE! There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
My Story
For the first four years after divorce, my ex was angry at times, but we talked and worked things out. Parenting was, at the time, not his top priority. He lamented the loss of freedom children often bring.
I remember early on when instead of taking the boys on Father’s Day (which was his custody day), he chose to play in a softball tournament. He often switched for these types of events, and I was more than happy to have the boys anytime.
All that quickly changed when his girlfriend moved in, eventually becoming his wife, and decided they needed more custody.
She was out to prove I was not a fit mom, criticizing everything from what I fed the boys, the music we listened to, and anything that went along with the box of conservative Christianity she put me in. She had no problem filling in the blanks for what she did not know about us.
My ex-husband was no longer allowed to talk to me and it has remained that way for almost two decades.
Court filings were so constant that it was ordered before the court papers were filed, meditation had to be engaged in first. I still remember the knocks on the door delivering subpoenas, and the man who happened to live around the block from me apologizing as he delivered yet another.
The Positives
I admit to not always making the right decisions as the chaos of not communicating as parents and the fear of losing my children engulfed us.
However, with God’s help, I feel like I emerged with my integrity intact and a closer relationship with Jesus during some of the most difficult years of my life.
When children are being raised in homes with different values, the contrast stands out to them.
As my children look back, they see clearly where our individual values came from – the world or the Bible. It may be actually less confusing in many ways.
Dealing with An Uncooperative Spouse
I related to this Psalm as I parented my children through the revolving door of their two homes.
What I did not steal, I then have to restore. Psalm 69:4
I often felt like I was in constant repair mode of parenting. We would get to a level ground and then they would come home with behaviors that did not fit in the type of atmosphere I desired our home to be.
It is easy and normal to feel angry and frustrated. However, for the sake of our children’s well-being, we need to move past that. This is what I learned over the course of 18+ years of parenting my children as they moved between homes.
Ten Practical Steps for Co-parenting with an Uncooperative Ex-Spouse
Realize you can only control what goes on in your own home. Focus on what you can do as a parent to promote connection and relationship with your child. (link)
Focus on your home being a safe place for your children to unwind and relax, bringing whatever emotions they carry. (Proverbs 14:26)
Be clear about your vision of parenting and the type of home you desire to have. Write your parenting vision out for yourself and share age appropriate parts with your children. For example, if you desire a home without “name-calling”. Let your children know, in your home we will not resort to name calling.
Hold to your expectations with gentle firmness.
Consistency is key. Children thrive on routines where they know what to expect. Children may push back to see if you will stand your ground, but you are building a lifeline of trust when they know you are a parent true to your word. They feel the chaos too, and someone they can count on brings balance to their world.
The wise in heart are called discerning, and gracious words promote instruction. Proverbs 16:21
Respect the position of the other parent. I would often state the rules in our home when my children came back from their dad’s home. This meant, without criticizing his home or rules, I reaffirmed our home environment. If your child is not in any danger, the relationship they have with the other parent is an important part of their lives.
Children who feel they are prevented from spending time with their mom or dad usually grow resentful and reject the blocking parent’s value system. In addition, when an ex-spouse feels cheated out of time with his or her children, the parent may retaliate, exposing the children to more conflict.
Be the example. Children see through hypocrisy. We have to live out what we preach. Our mediator knew of my biblical values and would often ask me to “take the higher ground”. It was difficult, yet I was an example not only for my children, but for the others watching.
Choose your battles. This does not mean bow to every whim of the other parent, it does mean making an attempt to wisely choose which battle to fight.
One battle I missed that I should have taken up is the oversight of my sons’ phones their dad bought them at the age of 13. Although I paid for half, I did not have any access to check them. This is something I should have fought for in mediation.
Pray for wisdom as you choose your battle.
Explain the rules of your home to your children and explain why you chose those rules. We all, not just children, have an easier time complying with rules that we understand have a purpose.
Consider mediation. Choose a mediator that has experience dealing with high conflict situations.
Consider a communication program. I fought this in the beginning because I felt as parents sharing the same children, we should be able to talk, but in the end Family Wizard turned out to be good for our situation. The mediator had access to our account and all of our back and forth emails.
Take care of yourself. Dealing with constant conflict is draining, emotionally and physically.
Create a support system of healthy adults who understand your situation and give biblical wisdom. Develop a relationship with a counselor you trust.
Being attacked with words is overwhelming. Psalm 57:4 describes how I often felt.
My soul is among lions; I must lie among those who breathe forth fire, Even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows And their tongue a sharp sword.
Read all of Psalm 57 to discover where our refuge is or listen to it on Planted in the Psalms.
For more guidance and encouragement on how to parent your children well in the aftermath of divorce, order Take God’s Hand.