Copper Falls State Park, Mellen, WI
Transitioning
The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121:7-8
All children experience transitions in life and asking children to shift gears can cause some difficulty. As a teacher of young students, I had lines in my lesson plans between activities that planned for transitions.
Not planning for transitions is one of the biggest mistakes teachers make. It can make your whole day go awry. It is also a mistake parents often make as well.
One of the hardest parts of parenting divorced is managing the transitions from one home to the other. Children who grow up in two homes have so many more transitions to make compared to other peers.
No two homes are alike. Structure and rules will differ in each home. This can be so frustrating, and it may feel like each time your child returns home you are starting from square one. This was one of my biggest parenting frustrations. However, there is hope! We can intentionally plan for transitions.
Furthermore, we can also re-frame how we look at transitions. Instead of dreading transitions (as I once did), let’s think of them as a way to bridge and strengthen our connection with our children.
What the Experts Say About Transitions
Let me start with some quotes from one of my favorite parenting books, Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. The term used to describe reconnecting with your children in Hold on to Your Kids is “collecting”. It is defined this way…
At the very top of our agenda we must place the task of collecting our children-drawing them under our wing, making them want to belong to us and with us.
It is vital we “collect” our children after transitions from one home to the other.
The most obvious separations are caused by school and by work, but many other experiences can separate as well. ….The first interaction should be to reestablish connection. Unless we can re-collect the child, not much will work.
Collecting our children is also important after the separation caused by sleep. Morning would be a lot different in families if the parent did not insist on parenting until the child had been properly collected.
In short, we need to build routines of collecting our children into our daily lives.
Keep in mind, Dr. Mate and Dr. Neufeld,for the most part, are not directly addressing households that have encountered divorce, so magnify the impact of transitions for those of us who have children going between two homes.
When the authors do address divorce, it is with a warning of the complexity.
Divorce is a double whammy for kids because it creates competing attachments as well as attachment voids.
The authors write in reference to children whose parents do not live together.
If we are to act in the child’s best interests, we need to do everything in our power to help our children keep the other parent close when we’re apart.
Genuine connection is made without demeaning the other parent or their home or lessening the relationship they have with your ex-spouse. It is so hard, but we only have the power to create an environment in our home and we can do this without criticizing the other home.
Furthermore, if there is tension between the two parents, children sense this and transitions are even more confusing. There was so much conflict in our divorce situation that at one point the mediator entertained the idea that we would have to exchange the children in a public place. Luckily, that did not come to be, but we had parameters each parent was to follow during the exchange.
The Taming
Now that we know how important transitions are, let’s brainstorm how we can make connections with our child. Keep in mind that every child is different and the age of the child may come into play. If you have differing ages, you may have to connect with each child separately in their own unique way.
Obviously, we are sometimes not there when our children return home, but make it a priority to connect as soon as possible.
After my initial frustrations and lots of prayer for guidance, I started to think about transitions in a sensory way. When my children re enter our home, what do they hear, see, smell, touch, or even taste that eases us back into connection?
Although this particular book, The Science of Parenting Adopted Children: A Brain-Based, Trauma-Informed Approach to Cultivating Your Child’s Social, Emotional and Moral Development is written for adoptive children, the use of senses for bonding is universal.
So when we talk about increasing nurture-forming secure attachments-we are really talking about ways to increase components of the cycle of needs through the child’s senses: eye contact, food, smells, movement, talking and touch.
What Do They See?
If you can be there to greet your child, that is optimal.
It is especially important to collect our children after any time of separation. Attachment rituals, fueled by this collecting instinct, exist in many cultures. The most common is the greeting, which is a prerequisite for all successful interactions. When fully consummated, a greeting should collect the eyes, a smile, and a nod. To ignore this step is a costly mistake.
When my sons were young and returned from their dad’s, I would sit down on the ground with them and give them my undivided attention for at least 10 minutes. This included lots of eye contact at their level. Often we would take a few toys out and play as they talked.
Slowing things down is hard. Sometimes as parents we desire to jump into having fun with our kiddos. It’s our turn! However, taking this initial time will make everything else you do that day more enjoyable.
The ultimate gift is to make a child feel invited to exist in our presence exactly as he is, to express our delight in his very being.
What Do They Hear?
For many years, I played the same Christian worship song when the boys came home. It became a positive trigger to alert their brains to switch gears.
Studies show that sound elicits a quicker reaction in the brain than incoming visual input does. Auditory input has a profound ability to impact our day. Find the music that works for your child. (Do not have the television on and put your phone away!!)
If your child craves movement, a great way to reconnect is with Shake and Dance.
I recently started doing this periodically with my daughter as recommended by her therapist. It may seem strange, but it works! Choose your own music according to your own taste. After we finish dancing, we lay on the ground and put our hands on each other’s stomachs and do belly breathing.
What Do They Smell?
Think about what your nose encounters when it enters your home. Scents are important and can impact behavior and health in different ways. Synthetic toxic smells are not the way to go and cause more health and behavior problems than most of us are aware of. Read about alternatives here.
Adding natural essential oils to an air diffuser can change the way our brains respond in a positive way. I started adding rosemary to our diffuser during our homeschool day because it promotes concentration.
I am not endorsing any certain brand, but doTERRA has a master list of the benefits of each oil, and Aura Cacia list their ten most popular along with the moods it conveys.
My other recommendation in reference to smell is have the family use the same homemade hand lotion. If the whole family is using it, your child will start to connect the smell with home. I will include the link for the recipe we have used for years at the bottom of this post. We use this on our hands and lips. Everyone has a container in their room.
What Do They Feel?
Cuddling while reading a story or a hand or foot massage (use your homemade lotion!) may be appropriate for those children who desire physical closeness. If not, do they have a favorite stuffed animal that you can have available or for older children a favorite blanket. It is not necessary to point these things out, just have them available.
What Do They Taste?
One caveat here is we do not want our children to become reliant on food for emotional comfort, but I think when we combine healthy food with our attention, it can be a good thing.
For older children sitting at the table and sharing a snack is a good way to reconnect. A cup of tea shared together invokes our sense of taste and smell.
Ideas to Start the Transition If You Are Not Physically Present
Start the transition with some ideas below and then make sure to seal the deal when you get home.
Leave notes to welcome them home, maybe along with a treat.
Leave small gift tokens in their room to let them know you thought of them.
Have a journal where you take turns answering questions. Here is a journal you can purchase or make your own.
I joke this verse was written for children of divorce because they come and go so much. Turn the verse into a prayer by inserting your child’s name.
The Lord will keep ______from all harm—
he will watch over _____ life;
the Lord will watch over _____ coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121:7-8
What have you found successful in helping your child transition? Please share! Your ideas may help another family.
You can customize this lotion to any natural scent. Our family is partial to lavender, but vanilla is our runner up.
If you need some help easing into transitions, read Taming Transitions for Parents.