First of all, thank you to all the foster families who went before us as examples who have done so much more than we have. Seeing other families take the leap into foster care over the course of many, many years made me curious. I observed and asked questions. I began sharing that curiosity with Ryan. After being married for a few years, we began to explore how we could do ministry as a family. I was burdened to make sure my sons knew how blessed they were. We had everything we needed, as well as many of the things we desired.
We also felt the time constraints many blended and divorced families have due to shared custody. We knew the ministry would have to be integrated into our existing family time. We came across an advertisement for a Big Family (Big Brother and Big Sisters functioning as a family). We went through the interview and screening process and were assigned a “brother”. We will never forget the impact our “little brother” had on our lives. I was proud of all our sons as we all chipped in to give him some experiences he may have otherwise not had, but it was rough! In the end, we felt we had little impact on his overall life. (I still pray for any seed that may have been planted in the time he spent with us.)
As that season came to an end, his family moved down south, and we revisited fostering. Our home at the time was too small to meet the requirements to foster, around 840 square feet for all 5 of us. We had to pull the table away from the wall in the kitchen just to fit. We began the foster application process and considered respite care knowing that would defeat the purpose of having the boys involved as it would have to be when they were not home. As we neared completion of our foster license, we began to look for a new home. God graciously provided one and we readied ourselves for that first call. All through the process our excellent foster agency emphasized that as a foster family we would be working toward reunification of the child and family. We really were not considering adoption.
The first call came for a baby with special needs. I had just hurt my back and was still working so we decided at that time, it was not a good option. The second call came for a 5, almost 6 year old girl, with one caveat – if we took Savannah, the agency wanted us to adopt her. She was just transferred to her second foster agency and was in her fourth placement. We would be her fifth placement. Mind-shift – were we ready to make an adoption commitment? We were not exactly young! For Ryan, it was like starting all over. His daughter was already in her late twenties.
By God’s grace, He gave us the reassurance that we were to move ahead. The first day we were going to meet her – I felt God saying, “you are going to meet your daughter.” It was a confirmation of a verse in Psalm 68:6 that I kept marking dates next to in my Bible, “God sets the lonely in families.” Because my husband is black and most other foster families we knew had black children, we had assumed this would be us. I was even studying how to take care of black hair! I swear that God has a sense of humor as we met our very blond-headed daughter. God knew from the time she was found sleeping outside in the Wisconsin winter, that her journey was headed to us. Isaiah 40:11 says, “He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart”. God did this for our daughter through all her placements until He could bring her to her forever home.
There were many sleepless nights as we figured out how to soothe her in the night. There were many tantrums as Savannah processed her pain. There is still counseling because triggers are real and bonding is hard when you have not been able to trust anyone. However, God is greater than our hearts and has delivered Savannah from so many things and will continue to. Trauma survivors are just that – survivors, but we want her to do more than survive, we want her to thrive in who God created her to be. The whole family has been there. Her brothers love her and she loves and admires them. In the beginning, she bonded more with them as I think it felt safer than bonding with a “mom and “dad”. We cannot imagine life without her. I call her our “joy and delight” that God brought us in our older age (like Zechariah and Elizabeth).
My favorite resources on fostering and adoption follow: