Why I Am Actually Learning to Embrace My Leukemia and My Emotions
“Will my hair fall out?”
Now that seems like such a vain question after a bone marrow biopsy led to the diagnosis of Hairy Cell Leukemia.
My next thought was my daughter – if I died, it would be another loss for her. She already “lost” her biological mom as well as four foster moms before me.
Surprisingly, death did not scare me. I love my life on earth, but I know Jesus has so much more in store for us in heaven.
Now I have to clarify – I am so fortunate to have a slow growing leukemia that has a very high remission rate. I was not rushed into chemo or forced into making a quick decision. I had the luxury of time that others don’t have.
However, my doctor did a pre-authorization through my insurance for the two drugs he would use to send the leukemia into remission. He was certain my numbers were going to drop in a few months, and I was looking at putting some toxic drugs into my body.
Band-aid Answers
Nurses from my medical insurance company began calling and asking how they could support me.
When I asked what I could do to raise my numbers and delay treatment, I was told “nothing”.
When I asked why I got leukemia in the first place. I was told it was nothing I did.
The experts gave me a “band-aid answer” to something in my life that was telling me my world was out of balance.
If I changed nothing in my world, then in my head, I was doomed to get it again even if the treatment sent me into remission.
So I knew I was on a journey to change what I could inside myself, my emotional environment, and outside myself, my physical environment.
Body, Soul, and Spirit
“I am weary to the bone,” I told my husband.
Those were the only words I could use to explain how I was feeling, emotionally and physically.
My husband graciously supported me taking a “child rearing leave” from my job after we finalized adopting our beautiful girl, aged 7 at the time.
My body knew, before my doctor knew, that things in my life were out of balance. It is so interesting that I was diagnosed with leukemia, a disease of the bone marrow.
Hairy cell leukemia (HCL) is defined as a rare cancer in which the bone marrow (soft inner part of bones) makes too many B-cells.
It is also interesting that the Bible mentions “bones” almost 100 times and it is often in correlation with emotions.
When I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long. Psalm 32:3
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Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your body
And refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:7-8
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Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away;
Heal me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed.
And my soul is greatly dismayed;
But You, O Lord—how long? Psalm 6:2-3
Embracing My Diagnosis
Embracing my cancer did not happen the first day I was diagnosed. First, I wondered why I was the one, I ate healthier than anyone I knew and attempted to use products labeled “natural”.
In my research, I found out there were many things I was doing wrong such as dying my hair with what I thought was a “natural” dye and putting pesticides on our lawn among-st other things that most likely contributed.
By the way, the doctor and nurses were wrong and I have raised my numbers and have been using natural remedies for two years since being diagnosed.
However, I am grateful to my oncologist for his persistence to find out why my numbers were never quite right. Being accurately diagnosed is a gift. If he had not discovered my HCL which is rare in itself but rarer in women, I think I would be in a much different place now.
So I have deep gratitude for the diagnosis for without it, I would not have known what to change. I had accepted many things, like having to take a nap everyday was normal.
My leukemia was a warning sign.
The Connection Between My Diagnosis and My Emotions
Today, I want to address the emotional side to my cancer, the feelings I ignored, suppressed, or pushed down that I know now partially contributed to cancer in my bones.
Just like my doctor’s solution, sometimes we get “band-aid approaches” for dealing with emotions in the church, from our families of origin, or from expectations we put upon ourselves.
Some experts call this “spiritual bypassing”.
Spiritual bypassing defined as “a way of using religious platitudes to encourage people to avoid dealing honestly with wounds and painful emotions like anger, grief, loneliness, or fear.”
We have feelings of anger, but we are told these emotions are wrong, even ungodly, and to not let the “devil get a foothold” so we push down anger.
We are told to “say this scripture whenever you feel angry”.
My name for it is the “scripture bandaid approach”. If you know me you know I love the scripture – it is nourishment for my soul. I read and pray it daily.
Emotions Are A Signal to Pay Attention
However, saying a scripture over your anger does not get to the root of the problem. Your anger is a warning sign that something inside you needs attention.
Emotions are powerful guides you can harness. ∼ Dr. Alison Cook
You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. Matthew 5:8
What emotions do you ignore or push aside? Is it anger, sadness, or worry?
And believe it or not some of us feel guilty experiencing positive emotions, like joy, because we are overly empathetic to others who are not experiencing joy at the moment.
Or we have been made to feel guilty for being “happy” when others have less than ideal circumstances.
I am not suggesting we sin when emotions arise. I am suggesting that we take time to recognize what experiences or triggers contribute to those emotions.
A person’s thoughts are like water in a deep well, but someone with insight can draw them out. Proverbs 20:5
Often letting suppressed emotions surface is not something we should do alone.
Furthermore, if you are currently ill, it may not be the best time to drag up emotions – listen here. There are proven subconscious ways to help process emotions like brain spotting or EMDR.
God made us with amazing bodies and minds that are capable of healing as we journey toward wholeness.
Stay tuned for part two of my personal journey connecting my emotional life and illness.
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