Introduction

This was not my life plan. I was smart, patient, and wise. My marriage was thought out and going to last forever. We were going to do things “right”. We went to premarital counseling with our pastor who had a great record of the couples he married staying married. I longed to be a stay at home mom. In fact as a child when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, a “mom” was my answer. However, we could wait while I worked a few years until we had the “right” amount of money saved.

My career as a teacher of young children in an urban area led me to see so many children who either grew up in single parent homes or chaotic blended families. These children carried backpacks with clothing instead of school supplies because they were going to be picked up by the other parent. Many times they had no idea who was picking them up. I always thought that this would not be my children, they would have better. They would not have the looks of confusion I saw on my students’ faces. I would protect them from this.

My “right” life was going as planned. As soon as we tried, I became pregnant. My son was born, all natural, and he was the most beautiful, healthy boy. We were so proud, but as expected or maybe unexpected, babies shake up life a little. My then husband mourned how life had changed. One day I sat in my son’s bedroom rocking him when he came and stood in the doorway. The only words I remember him saying are, “I want to date other people.” A relationship at work had become more, more than what we had. At that moment, I told him to leave.

After a short time though, I determined I was not ready to give up this life I had worked so hard for. I knew marriage was hard work. We went to counseling. I am not sure if I exactly begged my husband, but I pleaded and brought out our premarital counseling papers and showed him what he had written. Did he still believe these things? I know I pleaded and begged God to save my marriage.

I was determined to show my husband that life with a baby can go on. I carried Garrett in a baby carrier so we could hike. We bought a bike trailer so we could still go on bike rides. These were all good things that I would do all over again, but also driven by the fact I wanted to convince my husband to love the life we had now. However, I was not secure enough in our marriage to relinquish my teaching contract and went back to work in a miraculous part time position God provided. (My gracious God knew I would need this position later.) 

After a time and counseling, I was ready to add to our family, but I needed to know my husband was ready too. We waited longer than what I thought was the “right” amount of time. Even at this point, I held tightly to my plan- I can see myself, symbolically speaking, with this tight grip on this piece of paper with my life plan on it- the wind and rain of life having tattered it but I refused to release it. Almost 3 years later, we had another beautiful baby boy and named him Nathan.

He was 6 months old – a smiley, happy baby- and my husband left again following a family crisis. It was Mother’s Day.

What do I notice about this season of my life? I was a Christian and I thought I loved God, but I did not completely trust Him with my life, only gave Him certain parts. I could handle the rest.

What now? I had a 3 year old and a nursing baby, no employment as I had quit my job to finally stay home (more on this later), and this time my husband was not coming back. He in fact purchased a home not long after he left.

I had a choice…. I could be angry with God (and some days I was) or I could put down my “rights”, take His hand and let Him lead me. I could confess my sin of doing life without including Him in every part. I am so glad I did because it has resulted in a sweet intimacy with my Jesus. This was not my life plan, but it was the God planned life for drawing me close to Him. I let go of the tattered piece of paper and took God’s Hand.

“I know not the way God leads me, but well do I know my Guide.” Martin Luther